Leather and Glitter

The Stoner’s Guide to Madonna Albums of the 90s

Now this is unpopular in the Madonna community.  Yet so essential to appreciating her best records.

Madonna’s biggest fans largely consist of bottom gay men, sorority girls, former sorority girls, trans, LBGT and middle class “freaks.”  Save for the latter, Good ol’ marijuana toking is usually associated with music that is THOUGHT to be more psychedelic – my go to being Ms. Erykah Badu, more famously the stoners love Pink Floyd.  The Beatles.  Jefferson Airplane.  Zeppelin.  Tori Amos?  Not so much, but you get it. 

And I have never been able to figure out whether stoners hate Madonna – or Madonna hates pot heads?  A la The Girlie Show book introduction from 1994: “I’m not sure and it really doesn’t matter.” 

Madonna concerts and albums are generally enjoyed with a variety of substances: MDMA, white wine, red wine, tequila, rum, gin and tonic, vodka with a splash of whatever, opiates, coffee, self delusion, cutting – but Maria Juanita?  Save for her elegant and timeless 62^nd birthday tray of spliffs on the Gram, Madonna is a notorious “non smoker” of “that dope” as she reminded us in “God Control.”

That said, the best Madonna fans are the ones who can enjoy music other than Debbie Gibson, Paula Abdul, Dua Lipa or Britney and knock back with “Bedtime Stories” for a toke.

Madonna Albums of the 90s: ranked by dab tool emojis

”Bedtime Stories” (1994)
10/10 dab tools
Suggested terpenes for listening: Linalool, Myrcene, beta-Caryophyllene
Best consumption method for listening: CBN tablets

She wasn’t dating Tupac for nothin.’

Madonna’s best sliff on screen moment came just a year earlier in “Dangerous Game,” a scene she supposedly did immense research for by going to a NYC underground club, toking and doodling her thoughts in a journal (no word on if this is where she came up with the ridiculous lyrics for “What it Feels Like for a Girl).” 

Then a year later: a neosoul record.  Her artist Me’shell Ndgegeocello was all the indie r&b rage; Digable Planets had debuted with their backpack rap classic in 1993; A Tribe Called Quest had popularized this sound and look years earlier.  Sade had a monster smash with “No Ordinary Love,” Janet Jackson’s moody ballads were top five, D’angelo would debut the following year. 

After a decade of appropriating, or, paying ‘homage’ to the sweaty discos of Donna Summer, Michael Jackson, Patrice Rushen and Chaka Khan, Madonna went full TLC with this one.  TBoz, Left Eye and Chilli’s own ‘fourth member’ Dallas Austin produces – so do Dave Jam Hall and Nellee Hooper of Soul Il Soul.

Pay special attention to Me’shell’s rap on track, which the Spice Girls would later crib in 1997: “tell me what ya want / a tell me what ya neeeeed.”  Originally conceived as a 2pac feature, “I’d Rather Be Your Lover” is a gem in the Madonna canon that is all but forgotten by the Sunday brunch gays.  Those of us who would rather spend Sunday morning (or Sunday night, or Monday morning, or Wednesday Shabbatt, or Friday Christmas, Saturday Super Bowl) making love to The Herb Gods and Goddesses would do well to slow down and speed up “Inside of Me,” the funkiest tribute to anyone’s dead mother – ever – and see if we can spot the sample of Aaliyah.  “Human Nature” works completely as a stoner manifest for the 420 stigma; though “Secret” is supposedly about heroin (her stylistic tribute to Courtney Love’s smudged crack eyeliner is apparent in the video), it’s ethos much more echoes Mary Jane: “happiness lies in your own hand.”  And for the gays who just don’t TLC, don’t worry, she ends the album on a spacey, trip-hopped out cross fade of Bjork’s lyrics and Walt Whitman poetry, all to be taken home with a hazy heady quiet storm ballad (her longest running number one), “Take a Bow.”  Sullen about a lover and stoned?  “Love Tried to Welcome Me” is based on Madonna’s imagined inner monologue of a stripper.  Feeling gay?  The second (and even superior) Baby face collab “Fobidden Love” will make the hookup hotter (and more guilty).  You love cracked, distorted demos that sound unfinished like they are from the bottom of Erykah Badu’s bongload?  “Let Down Your Guard” is your b-side.

“Erotica” 1992

9.5 dabtool emojis/out of 10

Suggested terps: Limonene, beta-Caryophyllene
Suggested method: Dab rig

Sweaty THC sativa sex can last you through track four.  And what a moment you’ll have as you arrive/come/peak/blackout when she samples “Vogue” at the end of her coming out lyrics on “Deeper and Deeper.”  “Fever”’s production was tailored for sweaty after hours.  “Erotica” slaps, sober or stoned.  Extended play would go perfectly with track five, Madonna’s most explicit double-entendre album cut of all time.  Where Like A Prayer envisioned the narrator performing a blow job on a supposed male figure (God? Christ? A priest? Her father?  Sean? Guy? Warren? Prince?), “Where Life Begins” takes the Wet Ass Pussy approach as the teller of the story describes wanting someone to “go down where it’s warm inside” and “where I cannot hide” – “Where our life begins.”  Her pussy is then compared to finger lickin Colonel Sanders chicken and she thanks her lover for brining a “raincoat” as “it’s beginning to rain.”  You can have your post one night stand indica joint to “Bad Girl” and then obsess on the cold, careless lover who just left via “Waiting” – the jazziest number in the catalog and the pre cursor to the brilliant calm of “Bedtime Stories.”  Switch to CBG for “Thief of Hearts” and maybe CBC for “Words,” as you improve your mood with house beats and anti-inflammation warmth.  “Rain” is for your final CBD dose, and CBN comes in handy when remembering that “In This Life” and “Whys it so Hard” are about AIDS and gay discrimination.  You’ll be in your perfect “Secret Garden” by the time her best album closer arrives.

Ray of Light (1998)
8.5 dabtools out of 10
Terps: Limonene, Linalool, Humulene, Caryophyllene
Consumption method: RSO syringe

Begin your sober meditation to “Drowned World/Substitute for Love” and you’ll be in 1998 Madonna’s headspace.  By the time the psychedelic synths and bleeps take over, place your dose(s) under the tongue and swoosh around but don’t swallow before the next song ends (“Swim.”)  You may as well roll one for the title track, especially a sativa with cookies.  Madonna’s cocktail of 70s folk and 90s ketamine is an ear sore post late 90s in every other context…”aaand I feel!”  Prince’s proteges penned the next track, and it’s the druggiest here (“Candy Perfume Girl.”)  Courtney Love/Hole enthusiasts meet Portisheads.  You’ll be feeling your first buzz during the rave sex up “Skin” and the I’m not a monster bitch after all anthem  “Nothing Really Matters,” but your first enlightened moment will come via “Sky Fits Heaven,” a dream orgy of the cosmos, a Gap advertiser’s lyrics, the gospel, Kabballah, and karma set to her fuzziest trip since “Bedtime Story.”  Your downward dog never felt so loose as when you get into “Shanti,” the first Madonna track to make a pop chorus out of a yoga chant.  “Frozen” is the perfect emotional strength for core strength; and extended cool down begins with “The Power of Goodbye.”  Sit in your lazy boy and stretch gently for “To Have and Not to Hold” while Madonna briefly becomes Sade on diazepam (with a latin reframe and Sanskrit chants, thankyouverymuch.)  Your emotional center will be exhausted by the time you reach the MDMA infused ballad to Lourdes (“Little Star”) but that will come in handy for the shroomy, morose album closer about her dead mother (“Mer Girl.”) 

I’m Breathless (1990)
8 dabtools out of 10
Terps: beta Myrcene, Limonene, Linalool, b-caryophyllene
Consumption method: Hybrid joint with a cigarette holder
Ok, this one should read eleven out of 10.  The hip factor for you Coachellas out there is missing.  If you dig vocal jazz by Diana Krall, Madeleine Peyroux, or you’re an “Into the Woods” queen, theatre or jazz band nerd, this is your Saturday night soundtrack.  Or Sunday afternoon.  “Back In Business” is a sorely underrated antidote to her jazzier tracks on Erotica and Bedtime Stories.  “He’s A Man” opens the whole affair with gun/Dick (Tracy) metaphors, and she comes to closest she ever will to Bernadette Peters.  “Vogue” originated here, with a loose Hollywood-30s-40s-iconography rap connection, but you can always here that at your local stop and shop.  What you won’t hear on the Sirius XM Madonna channel that is available on this onel: Carmen Miranda sendup “I’m Going Bananas,” “More,” a Sondheim update of “Material Girl,” her duet with Mandy Ptankin, and the original context of her 1995 ballad compilation “Something to Remember,” considered by many of her die hards a seminal ballad in late 80s/early 90s Madge, is also here as is “Hanky Panky,” Madonna’s Disney movie tribute to S&M. 

Something to Remember

7.5 dabtools / out of 10
Terps: Linalool, beta Caryophyllene, Ocimene
Preferred consumption method: CBD/CBG tea

Evita

4 dabtools / out of 10

Better enjoyed on Ambien